Why I’m Converting to Islam

I think I will have to convert to Islam.

First is the simple matter of convenience. It is hard for us in The West – especially if you happen to be the reviled trifecta of a straight white male – to fathom the benefits of Islamic association. With the backing of Islam you can imprison, torture, rape or kill your opponents, or merely people you don’t like or agree with, and nobody bats an eyelid. In fact, we make a special show of highlighting just how steadfast our eyelids can remain, as though it were some sort of virtue. This is a degree of freedom even the land of the free couldn’t aspire to.

The second reason is that nobody likes a loser, and it is clear at this point which side will win. Sure, the mission may take centuries to finally be accomplished but, like the stock market, it’s always best to be ahead of the curve. Eventually proving to be on the right side of history, a measure dictated by the victors, is always a most satisfying vindication.

But the last and most persuasive reason is that they are actually right.

Islam hates The West. And, honestly, can you blame them?

Imagine what they are thinking right about now, when the political and media establishment stand as one and proclaim, “I think I speak for everyone – or at least the non-bigoted amongst us – when I say that no amount of little girls’ mutilated corpses, however high you stack them, will ever compare to the horrors of an open and honest discussion about the religious doctrine at the root of such atrocities. In fact, I won’t even suggest that it’s related to religion, and I dare not mention its name.”

They must think we infidels are the most depraved civilisation to ever exist as we stare emotionless into the abyss with our frozen eyelids and resolve never to change a damn thing. Then, despite the facade, proceed to destroy our own values by legislating against free speech: the vital ingredient in any open, tolerant, forward-thinking, safe and prosperous society.

And so, with that, let me profess “Allahu Akbar!”


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