Exclusive from the Desk of Caroline Wilson


James Hird

James Hird recovering in hospital following a bicycle accident

Since the story of James Hird’s bicycle accident emerged, Caroline Wilson has been writing furiously at her desk, but to little avail.

Sources from within The Age can now reveal some of Wilson’s unpublished content.

The first piece was boldly titled ‘James Hird Dead’.

This was later amended to ‘Hird’s Life Support to be Switched Off in the Coming Days’.

Luckily, her poor track record in fact checking caused editors to reject both versions of the piece. They opted to await confirmation before going to print, in a world first for modern journalism. Their caution proved prudent as more facts eventually came to light.

Dejected, more by the news that Hird had survived than the rejection of her work, Wilson resumed writing. Or more accurately, rewriting. She began reworking a couple of new versions of the same piece she has already published 367 times thus far over the duration of the supplements saga.

One version, tentatively titled ‘Hird: Selfish Hypocrite’, dissects Hird’s double standards in wearing the helmet which in all likelihood saved his life given he was willing to personally perform pharmacological experiments on unsuspecting children.

The other laments Hird’s survival and explains why the club, the league, and most of the English and French speaking world would have been far better off had Hird ‘simply possessed the integrity to die’ as per Gillon McLachlan’s instructions in a phone call to Hird’s hospital bed alleged to have taken place on the night of the accident.

But both of these pieces have been placed on hold as it has emerged that a couple who witnessed the accident were in fact long time Essendon supporters. Wilson is currently investigating the rumour that they are disgruntled members involved in a plot to finally rid the Essendon Football Club of the architect who singlehandedly brought Australian sport to its knees. The possibility they are related to ‘Sarah’ is also being explored.

Sources claim this to be further indication of the desperate, declining, bitter & twisted mind of a faltering megalomaniac and suggest she could be nearing the end of her tenure in journalism.

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