Food Poisoning


A week ago, I was the unwitting victim of a heinous crime. Well, technically, it’s not illegal, but I feel it ought be.

There I was, perusing the gustatory options at a local café for a muffin to compliment my iced coffee. I considered the range of toppings and flavours, before eventually selecting a banana and blueberry muffin. It wasn’t a wise choice.

Safely obscured beneath the wrapper and toppings, lied the body of the muffin. It was yellow, damp, spongy, and generally a little “off”. Neither stale, nor putrid, but simply odd in terms of flavour and texture, and not at all as satisfying as I had hoped or expected.

I returned to the counter and noticed some disturbing information on the label which I had missed at first glance. There was no price tag, but simply large lettering indicating the fruits contained therein. That was enough to originally confirm my choice. But below this in much smaller lettering were the frightful words, “flourless muffin”. I felt like I was going to be sick.

But that wasn’t the end of the shop keeper’s treachery, even the position of the muffin was deceptive. It sat not at the boring end of the tray, amongst the low fat, low sugar and high fibre muffins. Instead, it was inconspicuously inserted into the middle of the line up, masquerading as an actual muffin.

These tactics are simply unacceptable. If a company wishes to sell such an abomination, it ought be clearly labelled with adequate warnings, perhaps even an illuminated sign, such that nobody can accidentally incur my fate.

I don’t think it is that much to ask. After all, McDonald’s does it, even without a law to enforce the practice. They proudly display a large illuminated warning signal. It’s called, “The Golden Arches”. Anyone who upon seeing this sign continues forth, does so with the full knowledge and consent that nothing they are about to place into their body is fit for human consumption.

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